How I miss your ranting

	Mar. 28th, 2005 @ 08:35 pm

I'm a shit taker. Officially. Which sucks because I used to never take shit. Fuck.

Chad wrecked his car. It is completely totaled. If he hadn't been buckled up, he would have died. I'm glad he's not dead. But I don't think I want to be with him anymore. He's completely disrespectful and I can't take it. For example: Last night he was supposed to come over at 8 pm to see me. He never showed up and never called. He had his wreck that same night at 11:30 pm. And he didn't call. He went to his sister's and stayed there. That is fucked up. When brady got in his accident, one of the first things he did was call me. Then today he didn't call me either so I had to call his sister to talk to him. His excuse was that he couldn't find his phone. hahaha. That is no excuse, his sister has a phone, his sister's boyfriend has a phone, and there are payphones EVERYWHERE. Fuck this. I'm sorry about his car and I'm glad he's okay, but I'm finished taking his shit.

There was a zoology test I wasn't prepared for today. So yeah. School sucks. My love life sucks. And god hates me. The end.

-ash

Current Mood:

depressed

Current Music: ashlee simpson

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Other entries

Here is a cheat sheet for anyone wanting to figure me out.... or not. booyah.

I hate when people play with my hair. // I hate driving and most people hate when I drive because I am ca-razy! // I get crushes on emo boys all the time. // I am quirky. // I use bobbypins to itch my ears. // I live to be spontaneous. // I bite the side of my mouth all the time. // My feet are always moving, even when I'm trying to sleep. // You can tell I'm asleep because my feet will quit moving. // I sleep in the fetal position. // Sometimes I sleep on my stomach. // I love science. // I love memerizing facts and telling people about them. // I read a lot. // I make zines. // I consider myself an Artist. // I am first and foremost a photographer and zinester. // I like to fight. Verbally and physically. // I love horror movies, but I'm afraid of my own shadow. // I'm jumpy. // My southpark alter ego is Tweak. // I love music and movies, especially music and movies no one has ever heard of. // I love livejournal and myspace. // I hate girls, well, I hate most girls. // I love Quentin Tarantino and Tim Burton. // Aqua Teen gets me through the day. // I love photobooth photos. // I'm obsessed with Death (much love to the undead). // I'm morbid. // Vampires make me hot. // I collect faeries, dark things, weird stuff (like glass eyes and gelly brains...), lunchboxes, books, and zines. // I love making mix CDs. // I have a ton of penpals. // I ran a worldwide and successful zine distro for 4 years. // I have made over 20 zines since I was 13. // I sing in the car and in my room. // I like my eyes cause they are big and green. // Heather and I are spies. // there is more coming.
Mar. 26th, 2005 @ 08:52 pm

» Noone here wants to fight me like you do...

I am an angry person. I've always known it, but it never really sunk in. It has now. I've realized how completely wrong and how completely right Brady and I were together. He was and is my other half. I feel at peace around him, myself. Our relationship was intense but god it was fun. It's all that drama. Kicking him out of the house, him screaming in my face, me chasing him with butcher knives, wrestling, cussing, it was insane. Part of me misses it. Chad WILL NOT fight with me. Now I know this should be a good thing, but let me explain why it is not. When I get upset, he shuts down. Doesn't want to deal with it. So I end up with unresolved feelings and he gets to sleep. How is this right? I want him to argue it out with me, scream at me, give me his opinions, let me tell him my opinions, I want resolution. But I never get it. Everyone says we are just TOO different. Maybe they're right. Right now we are fighting and I don't know if it's even worth putting it together again. He is obviously not interested in fixing these problems (which I will list below) and I am not doing this all by myself. I know he is leaving for 4 months and I want to be supportive, but this hurts me too! Am I being selfish?

Problems:::

1) When things get tough, he bails (see above). He says he wants me to be my complete self, but how can I be if he isn't supportive? I am bi-polar! I'm moody! He had been warned. gr.

2) Last night instead of helping me feel better he said, "Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow" and got off the phone. That really hurt me.

3) I feel like I am a pretty good girlfriend, but he is not being a very good boyfriend. And this is making me want to be a VERY BAD girlfriend.

4) He won't be with me alone and he says it is because he is not allowed to. WTF? If he wanted to see me, he would see me. Right?

He acts like he is sooo rebelious. Yeah fuckin' right.

Anyway, onto better things. Heather and I found a dead body (well, it looked like a dead body), made a home movie - not a porn you sickos, investigated the haunted bridge, played patty cake in the middle of the street at 1:30 in the morning, AND I accidently did jumping jacks in front of a truck and then waved so the truck pulled over and we had to haul ass to heather's house. Yeah... it was an accident... do de do...

I have so many new myspace friends! I'm excited. grrr.

I bought $100 worth of zines from moonrocket, mad people, and learning to leave a paper trail. Yey! My parents will be pissed though after they see the credit card bill. Yikes. But there are very few distroes around now!!! I'm sad!! I need to start my new one. Hopefully I can this summer.

Heather wants to go on a road trip tomorrow. I'm thinking, "hell yeah!". We just need a place to go.

I'm going to see good charlotte and a simple plan with heather and candace. Shoot me now.

-ash
Mar. 26th, 2005 @ 05:27 pm

» she'll destroy us all before she's through...

so heather, chris, chad, and I all went to texas. fucking awesome I tell ya. Except for chad fibbing and getting caught. eek. To hear all about it read heather's journal. She is r_e_t on livejournal.

i'm a sleepy girl and today I did nothing except eat lunch with heather, read the enquirer, and watch lame shows on mtv. yr so jealous.

myspace is making me want to pierce my lip and cut my hair even shorter. must resist the urge.. but lately I want to be everything that I'm not. I want to be a shallow snotty bitch because right now it seems a lot better than being a bleeding heart romantic. blah. I just want to care about NOTHING. is that SO bad? it's just a phase, just a phase.

i have realized a few things since my last entry...
1) I hate girls. kthanxdie. Because they are fake backstabbing whores. Shoot them all.
2) I have the coolest fucking friends. seriously. heather, marnie, lindsay, melissa, chad, brady, brett, and steve. They are all so awesome it makes me want to cry.
3) god hates me. nothing goes my way. but at least i have cool friends.

That list is done. for now. I was going to write about chad and I and his sister, but i'm sleepy. let's just say i'm not too happy with her. can we say.."grow up"? ooohhh...

-ash

"5 till 9
it's killing time
don't leave this way"
Mar. 15th, 2005 @ 09:45 pm

Now that I have some free time on my hands - being single frees up my weekends - I thought I could start updating more often. Hey, it beats studying. bleh.

I have a list of what I wanted to write about in here. So here goes:

1) When I went to buy the book for my intercession storytelling class, my mother messed up and asked the woman, "Do you know where we can find the book for the intercourse class?". Hahahamwhaha. Loads of fun. I think if they had a class like that more people would attend college. But whatever.

2) My history teacher is an asshole. End of story. He called everyone on welfare "lazy asses". Diediedie.

3) My birthday was feb. 7. Chad threw me a surprise party and actually got ALL my friends together. I was a total cunt to him before the party because I was sure I wasn't getting one and I was sad. Sorry about that. Anyway, we went to tim's and we drank and had fun. A few little dramas erupted, but nothing that couldn't be handled. All in all I had a great time. Happy 19. yey.

4) Now that I am 19, Placebo's "Special Needs" can be about me. Woohoo. "Just 19, a suckers dream..."

5) I hate most of the kids in my english class. We did a poetry unit (I lovelove poetry... esp. slam) and they all complained. Note to all of you: When you disrespect poetry, you come off as an illiterate butt monkey. So next time, just say, "poetry is beautiful, I just can't really get into it." Problem solved.

6) A girl in the hallway at school was telling her friend that a man was spying on her while she was in the shower. That is a fear of mine and I will never have a window in my bathroom. Everyone says I'm paranoid. Well, lookie lookie, in yr face. It DOES happen. ew.

7) I think I have A.D.D.. My mother has it and she gave me a ritalin pill to see if it would help me and it did! I took better Zoology notes, came home and did math homework, cleaned my room, painted my toenails, and did a million other things. When I told my mother this, all she said was, "Well, it IS speed." Duh. hmmm...

8) I had a dream awhile back that I was fighting zombies. I was with Chad then and he was fighting zombies with me in my dream. It was funny because it seemed so real, and I was blowing off everyone's heads. But then Chad got bit and turned into a zombie so I let him bite me too. Then after we were both zombies I asked him if we could have "Zombie sex" and he said yes. So then we found a bunk and had the "Zombie sex" and all the other zombies watched. I think I need therapy.

9)Heather, Ryan, and I hung out at Denny's awhile back. I don't know really why that is important except for the fact that I have never laughed so hard in my life. We played candyland and guess who and pigged out on desserts. Then we took ryan's jacket and made him look like kenny from southpark. It was hilarious, but you had to be there.

10) I need one of those TINY video cameras that you can fit in yr purse. I also need to get rich.

11) Zoology class is nice, but I'm such a nerd now. I want an aquarium full of sponges and sea anemones. How dorky is that? But they are so awesome!

12) I got my eyebrow pierced! Marnie went and got her hook done, so I decided to pierce something. So I got a little 18 guage eyebrow ring. It's not a hoop, it's a barbell and it is so cute! I felt so liberated. Marnie and I are addicted, I'm going back in 2 weeks to get my bellybutton done. But no more facial piercings for me. yikes. (I think my mom even likes it... strange, no?)

13) I want to write about Chad in here, but it is private. I've never had to censor myself on here, so it feels weird to now, but I can't help it. Maybe I can write about it later. I hope so...

A lot of that was me rambling. So what?

I need a date. Any takers?
Feb. 19th, 2005 @ 08:59 pm

I'm in a better mood. MUCH better. Well, except for a tiny pregnancy scare that is going on at the moment. Eek.

College is a lot harder this semester. My english class looks pretty easy, but I'm good at english. The teacher is so sweet and funny and I had him for storytelling a week ago so we know each other and I can tell he likes me. I'm hoping to be teacher's pet in that class.

I also have a teacher crush on my zoology teacher. I hate teacher crushes!!!! It makes it too hard to ask questions, I get all flustered and I'm afraid I'll blurt out something like, "yr crazy hot, let's have mad sex on yr desk.". I am insane. ha. But I like him because he tells it like it is, he is so straight forward and rude. I'm attracted to that. It's that whole girl stereo type thing - we love men who are assholes.

I can tell just from today that zoology is going to kick my ass. But if I stick with it, don't ditch, and STUDY I might pass. And do well enough to spend a week in yellowstone with... dun dun dun... my zoology teacher. oooh.

No, it's all in fun. I love chad more than life. I haven't really told anyone that because I'm not a romantic person.. in public. So no one knows I love him except for me, him, chelsey, and marnie. He makes me laugh, he's hot, and he is so sweet. He loves everything I do and he loves my moods. I'm starting to think that if I have him I don't need anything else. God, reading over that makes me sick. Ick I hate being so mushy. Sorry. ha.

Derek and I are friends again. I need to get him his dvds back.

John called me a snotty bitch. hahahaha. Doug and I are friends again.

This is the first time in my life that no one is in love with me. Well, except for Chad. Hm weird. Kind of hurts.

Heather never calls me. I want to hang out, damnit! ha. Maybe I should call her? Same with marnie!

Lindsay is in my math class! I see her tomorrow! I love lindsay!

I had a million things to write about, but I forgot.

What?

-Ash
Jan. 19th, 2005 @ 10:35 pm

I hate myself. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Just sleep.

i want to be a good girl. i want to be a good girl. i want TO BE A GOOD GIRL. but i can't. i hate myself. i only hurt people. not enough time. i sleep all day, i can't force myself to go hang out with people. i can't even work on my zines.

i am not happy. but maybe i will be tomorrow. i don't know. my moods are a fucking rollercoaster. i can't take myself anymore.

chad can't handle me. too much of a handful. brady loves nikki. i can't make anyone happy. i'm alone. i'm alone. i AM ALONE.

i want to cut myself. should i? i haven't since the breakup. late july. but it was wimpy. knife on skin, doesn't really work. good in theory, but no way.

need howie day. need sleep.

-ashie
Jan. 12th, 2005 @ 11:28 pm

» survey

50 fucking facts:

1. Your name spelled backwards: yelhsa

2. Where were your parents born: oklahoma

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer: howie day

4. What's your favorite restaurant: red lobster

5. Last time you swam in a pool: Sometime in september

6. Have you ever been in a school play: Yes

7. How many kids do you want: 1 or 2

8. Type of music you dislike most: Christian rock

9. Are you registered to vote: Yes

10. Do you have a car: yes. her name is jezebel. grrr...

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped: no

12. Ever prank call anybody: Yes. i have great stories about that..

13. Ever get a parking ticket: No

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving: maybe

15. Furthest place you ever traveled: California

16. Do you have a garden: my mother does.

17. What is the size of your bed: Twin. it leaves more space for my art junk.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem: umm... no.

19. Bath or shower, morning or night: shower, at night.

20. Best movie you have seen in the past 4 months: Saw

21. What’s the next movie that you want to see: white noise

22. Chips or popcorn: popcorn i guess.

23. Have you ever broken any hearts: yes. :(

24. Premarital sex: I'm a big fan.

25. Are you a good cook: if you love mac and cheese.

26. Orange or Apple Juice: orange juice.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine: Mama Lou's with brady and brett.

28. Favorite type of drink: Cherry limeade, arizona green tea

29. Best thing in the world: music and zines

30. Have you ever broken a bone: yes. my wrist.

31. Have you ever won a trophy: yes

32. What is your favorite board game: Life or monopoly.

33. What is your dream car: mazda RX8

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial: no, but i've wanted to.

35. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi, I guess...

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work: yes. fuck bill's fish house! fuck em!

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy: junk food.

39. Who would you like to meet: tori amos

40. Do you believe in love at first sight: not really.

41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex: eyes. arms. lips.

42. Where would you go for a romantic evening: i don't know.. somebody help me out!

43. How many pairs of shoes do you own: 5

44. Last song stuck it your head:a nirvana song. i forgot the title.

45. Any pets: 1 cat, sugar. 3 dogs, bubbles, domino, and sasha.

46. What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live character: land shark or king tut.

47. What’s one thing you would like to learn: russian, palmistry, knitting, and crochet.

48. What do you do when you are bored: sing, go online, play video games, or watch tv.

49. What is one thing you would want someone to appreciate about you: that I am a good person with good style. oh yeah, and that i'm creepy.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today: family, friends, and good english tea.
Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 01:19 am

» fill this out or you hate me

So you should do this...NOw.

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out?

13. Emotionally, what stands out?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
-
17. Am I loveable?

18. How long have you known me?

19. Describe me in one word.

20. What was your first impression?

21. Do you still think that way about me now?

22. What do you think my weakness is?

23. Do you think I'll get married?

24. What makes me happy?

25. What makes me sad?

26. What reminds you of me?

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?

28. How well do you know me?

29. When's the last time you saw me?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

31. Do you think I could kill someone?

32. Have we ever had sex?

33. Do you miss me?

34. Do you think i miss you?

33. Are you going to put this on your MYSPACE and see what I say about you?
Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:57 am

» Love sucks.

I'm not sleepy at all. I've been waking up at 3 PM and falling asleep at 5 AM... I hate it but at least it gets rid of the day.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't fit in. I love my friends, I just don't feel completely understood.

Tonight just made it worse. Brady told me he didn't love me anymore. I expected it, but that doesn't mean it didn't still hurt. I just have to get used to it. It was comforting to think that no matter how bad I fucked up I could still go to him and he would love me. Love me for everything that I am, no conditions. But that's gone.

He told me he feels like he never knew me. He did, he knew me better than anyone, so it's sad that he feels like that. Now no one will ever know me. No one wants to put in that much time and energy. Believe me, I'm exhausting.

I'm just so selfish. I wanted him to love me, to worship me, but I didn't want to love him in return. I'm a selfish bitch. Why am I even alive?

Now I don't even know if I can be his friend. Am I strong enough? For some reason I can't be my complete self around a boy unless I know he loves me. How fucking weird is that? I am insane.

==

Tomorrow I need to call heather (she's back from vegas!), clean my room, go to hot topic, and get the wicker park soundtrack at walmart.

Night night.

-ashie
Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 04:59 am

» survey time

PUT AN X FOR ALL THAT APPLY TO YOU

[ ] I think I'm really attractive.
[ ] I prefer winter over summer.
[x] I am a geek.
[x] I am a shopaholic.
[x] I am reasonably intelligent.
[x] I am attracted to girls.
[x] I am attracted to boys.
[x] I like British accents.
[ ] I smoke regularly.
[ ] I smoke socially.
[ ] I drink socially.
[x] I drink regularly.
[x] I get drunk easily.
[x] I do "drug(s)".
[ ] I will never date a bad kisser.
[ ] I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
[ ] I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
[ ] I am religious.
[x] I am not religious but have morals.
[x] I lie frequently.
[x] I am impulsive.
[ ] I am hardworking.
[x] I loved Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
[ ] She's All That is one of my favourite movies.
[x] I am good at History.
[ ] I speak more than two languages.
[x] I enjoy taking pictures.
[x] I like spending money on myself.
[x] I like spending money on others.
[ ] I have a regular income.
[ ] I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
[ ] I pay my own bills.
[x] I rely on my parents for money.
[ ] I can cook.
[ ] I enjoy cleaning.
[ ] Tidiness is a must in my life.
[ ] I like clutter.
[ ] My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
[x] I am fashion-conscious.
[x] I have good taste.
[x] People tell me I have good taste.
[x] I am told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
[ ] I am good at sports.
[ ] I am good at certain sports.
[x] I couldn't do sports to save my life.
[x] I am creative.
[ ] I am extremely artistically inclined.
[x] I want to be an artist when I grow up.
[ ] I want to be an engineer when I grow up.
[ ] I eat when I'm upset.
[ ] I cannot adapt to change.
[x] I am interested in politics.
[x] I have shoplifted.
[x] I download MP3s.
[x] I have done underage drinking.
[ ] I have gone underage clubbing.
[ ] I can dance reasonably well.
[ ] I can dance extremely well.
[x] I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
[x] I can sing.
[ ] I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
[x] I can swim.
[x] I enjoy surveys.
[x] I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
[x] I keep a journal.
[ ] My teachers don't like me.
[x] I enjoy controversy.
[x] I can be a bitch/bastard.
[x] I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
[ ] I have tattoos.
[ ] I've been in a nudist colony.
[ ] I'm not sure if I want to have children.
[ ] I'm not sure if I'll get married.
[ ] I know who I will marry.
[x] Someone has a crush on me.
[x] I am interesting.
[x] I am a good liar.
[x] People enjoy talking to me.
[x] I annoy people from time to time.
[ ] I am a born leader.
[x] I am a born leader but shouldn't lead.
[x] I've snuck out of the house.
[x] I have a foot fetish.
[x] I have a shoe fetish
[x] I watch Sex And The City.
[x] I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
[ ] I want to be J Lo.
[x] I cut myself.
[x] I have cut myself.
[x] I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
[ ] I hate popular people.
[ ] I think cheerleading is a sport.
[ ] I am photogenic.
[ ] I live in Chucks.
[x] I think graffiti is art.
[x] I have dated a criminal.
[ ] I have been cheated on.
[x] I have cheated on someone.
[x] I have a temper.
[x] I like playgrounds.
[x] I dance in the rain.
[ ] I am obsessed with Shakespeare.
[ ] I have tanlines.
[x] My favourite color is pink.
[x] My favourite color is black.
[ ] I would classify myself as emo.
[x] I am musically inclined.
[x] I like listening to music.
[x] I like music-blasting cars.
[ ] Thongs are comfortable.
[x] I like flip-flops.
[x] I know what monogamy is...
[x] ... and I believe in it.
[ ] I want to be a social worker when I grow up.
[ ] I have sibling[s].
[ ] My siblings annoy me
[x] I think South Park is funny.
[ ] I prefer Google
[x] I can sit Indian Style
[x] I own a cat
[ ] I plan on owning more.
[x] I read a lot.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've let someone cheat off of me on a test

Have you ever...
[x] been drunk.
[x] smoked pot.
[x] kissed someone.
[ ] rode in a taxi.
[ ] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[x] been fired.
[x] been in a fist fight.
[x] broken a bone
[ ] got hit by a car.
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] gone in a mosh pit.
[ ] stolen something from your school.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on a bf/gf.
[ ] been cheated on.
[ ] had your tonsils out.
[x] had a car
( )totalled a car

DO YOU ...
[ ] feel loved.
[X] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think you're attractive.
[x] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[ ] listen to Hawaiian Music
[ ] listen to underground hip hop
[ ] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[x] listen to country.
[ ]isten to reggae.
[ ] listen to techno.
[x] have hobbies
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[ ] get good grades
[ ] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers
[ ] wear boxers
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[ ] like the color blue.
[x] like the color pink.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[x] have long hair
[ ] have short hair
[x] have a cell phone.
[x] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager

ARE YOU ...
[ ] ugly.
[x] pretty.
[ ] okay.
[ ] Handsome.
[x] bored.
[ ] happy.
[x] bilingual.
[ ] Hawaiian.
[ ] Samoan.
[ ] Filipino.
[ ] Korean.
[ ] British.
[x] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[ ] asian.
[x] short.
[ ] tall.
[ ] realistic.
[x] sick.
[x] mad.
[x] lazy.
[ ] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die
[x) horny.
[ ] tired.
[ ] sleepy
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[ ] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[ ] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[ ] listening to music.
[ ] a virgin
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 11:54 pm

» i just got asked for sex. is it a joke?

Funniest thing that has happened to me in a LONG time:::::::

no doubt saves: hi!
feelslikedeath81: hey!
no doubt saves: Would you like to have a 3 some with me and my BF?
feelslikedeath81: haha who is this?
no doubt saves: my names jamie i saw ur livejournal/myspace
feelslikedeath81: what is yr myspace name?
no doubt saves: im settingone up as we speak
no doubt saves: SO do you have a hot lil booty on u?
feelslikedeath81: yes. yes i do.
no doubt saves: ?????
no doubt saves: Cool! Wanna see a pic of me and my BF?
no doubt saves: would you let me or him kiss it?
feelslikedeath81: sure. to the first question.
no doubt saves: ok and second? lol
feelslikedeath81: i don't even know you!
no doubt saves: lol have you EVER had it kissed? lol
feelslikedeath81: no..
no doubt saves: why not? lol stinky?
feelslikedeath81: no!
no doubt saves: haha okayw hats ur email addy?
feelslikedeath81: thedeadbell@sbcglobal.net
no doubt saves: so ever been iin a 3 some b4?
feelslikedeath81: nope
no doubt saves: ok about to send u have any that are naked?
feelslikedeath81: nope
no doubt saves: well what it would be is just basically getting fuck by us both and snowballing
feelslikedeath81: ummm okay...
no doubt saves: i mean ar eyou cool with jizz?
feelslikedeath81: no
no doubt saves: lol why not?
feelslikedeath81: its gross
no doubt saves: hmmm would ya take a facial?
feelslikedeath81: what is that...?
no doubt saves: where the guys shoot shis cum on ur face
feelslikedeath81: ha no.
feelslikedeath81: i'm not what yr looking for. i'm not like that.
no doubt saves signed off at 9:28:58 PM.
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 11:53 pm

» nobody likes me

I feel completely alone right now.

My grades came in and they are shit. I made 2 C's and an F in math. I'm stupid stupid stupid. I used to think I was intelligent, a great thinker. Now I feel like a dumb ass. What makes someone smart? Their ability to score high on a standardized test? Being able to write a bullshit paper? I have no clue. I'm just so tired of trying.

As for feeling alone, here is why.
I called Brady to hang out and he acted as if he didn't want to even though he claims he is MY best friend. Fuckin' whatever.
Chad is at Chelsey's and everyone is over there. Except me. When I broughT this to his attention all he could say was, "It's not like that.". Then what is it then? Fuck everyone.

I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

The only thing that is cheering me up is Matt. Thank you. :)

As far as I'm concerned everyone in the world can jump off a cliff. Well, except for my mom, grandma, and matt.

-ash
Dec. 24th, 2004 @ 12:22 am

» christmas time

I swear to god, I come up with the shittiest titles ever.

Anyway, I just learned about 2 minutes ago that Chad is NOT going to Colorado. So all of the crying and cuddling (everyone on chelsey's bed - Sasso, jon, chad, chelsey, and I) was for nothing. I'm really happy, but it hasn't sunk in yet.

I've made about 20 lists of things to write in here. I've also written a ton of to do lists. Oh look, here is one now.
1. finish noise in my head #6
2. film footage of Sa7urn
3. Work on nervousness
4. Start new "faces" photo project
5. Get shit done (email, typing, blah)

Yeah, so all of my nervousness projects came in this month. Go figure. They can't come in one at a time... grrr... I finished the suicide one and the 'story of you' one, I just need to mail them to the next person. Now I have to work on the sex one. Oooh. Nervousness is amazing. Check it out at nervousness.org

I went to a christmas party last week with heather. It was at Tim's apartment.. ha. Brady still does not like that kid. Oh well. I think Tim is sweet. Heather made punch and cupcakes (which I helped frost). While we were there this boy named matt asked me to makeout with him. He turned out to be really sweet and we hung out the rest of the night. Heather went home early because of Chris (I don't know what happened..) so connor took me to my car.

I also went with Matt to amanda's christmas party. Turns out Chad and Chelsey have known Amanda forever. I don't know her at all but they started freaking out when I told them I went to her house. We played Cranium. I really don't like that game. I like it better if you just take the cards and play that way. Screw the board. After that Matt and I went to his house and watched American Beauty. I love that movie. Aw.

I got oil paints! Yey! I saw that heather was using them and her painting looked BEAUTIFUL. So I knew I needed some. Acrylic on canvas is boring. But I still love acrylic when it's used for art journaling. blah.

I read the play "closer". So very very dirty. Example of a line from the play:
Larry: You like him coming in yr face?
Anna: Yes.
Larry: What does it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter.
Ewwww! Dirty! But the play and the movie are beautiful. The way the characters are so real and the way they hurt each other... god... it's gut wrenching.

Tomorrow we are all seeing "A series of unfortunate Events". I know it will be my new favorite movie - I love the books and the movie looks very tim burtonish.

Tomorrow my family is coming in. Hopefully it won't be too bad. Life has been a little boring lately so I'm sort of looking forward to getting us all together in one room. It will give me lots of writing material.

Last week I went to the cowboy hall of fame. I'm such a history whore! They had this little town set up and it was interactive. They had people dressed up as if it were the 1800's and they had things set up like a train station, a bank, a church, a school house, and you could go in these places! I sat through an old time church service! How cool is that? It was as if you had jumped into a time machine. Very cool. Hopefully next year I can volunteer and I can dress up as a victorian woman.

Okay... this next part is in list form... get ready:
1. Chelsey and Jon got puppies! Will and grace... they are so cute!
2. Chad and I got to go to Next door music. I love that place!
3. My step dad went to new orleans and brought my mom and I juju dolls and a real voodoo doll. I wanted to go so badly, but I had finals that week. Marnie and I are supposed to go next summer.. we are also supposed to go to moscow, but I doubt that'll happen. poo.
4. Chelsey, Chad, Jon, and I made cookies. Jon made everyone cookies in the shape of things that fit their personality. Chelsey got a ballerina, Greg got a guitar, chad got something that I can't remember, but I didn't get anything. Apparently jon said "Sorry I didn't make you one, Ashley. I couldn't really put punk on a cookie" or something like that. Anyway I thought that was cool - they see me as a little punker. heehee.

Okay I'm done. That covers all of december. Hopefully I'll start updating more because I'm out of school until the 18th. Well, besides that story telling class but that is only 3 days long.

PS. I am zelda fitzgerald. do de do...

Night night,
ash
Dec. 23rd, 2004 @ 12:02 am